Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
