tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
