I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Randomize
