my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
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