It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
