my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
