you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
He shit in the fireplace
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
