You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Randomize
