i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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