i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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