when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
We left an ass print on the piano.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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