you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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