its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Randomize
