proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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