Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Randomize
