Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
