he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Randomize
