This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
