There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
