She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
