We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
