so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
