mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
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