New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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