You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
