Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
