So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
