remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
