i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
