Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
