My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Randomize
