Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
