I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
