Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
So squirting runs in the family.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize