Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
