My liver just broke up with me...
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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