wakey wakey hands off snakey
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
