Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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