I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Randomize
