made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
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