drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
