you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
