Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
We talked him into tasing himself.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
