She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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