the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
