I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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