We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Someone came in the potted fern
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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