My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize