Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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