I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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