dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
She has the best kind of daddy issues
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
