She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
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