Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
