And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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