I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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