I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
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