this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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