he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Randomize
