She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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