You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
