Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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