Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Randomize
