260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Randomize
