I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Randomize
