I CAN MOONWALK!
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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