i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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