2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
