I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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