I was born with a shot glass in my hand
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Success! We fucked roommates!
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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