If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
