Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
