Betty ford says i'm here all night
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
