i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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