ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
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