im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize