i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Randomize
