I think I am morally bankrupt
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Randomize
